sui (sui_001) wrote,

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teen angst revisited.

What is this stirring in my soul?

Why can I be reduced to tears so easily? Not by physical pain or suffering, but the concepts that move me.

How can my 'heart' be so fragile, the page of colour that represents my emotions be so vastly deep and rich?

Where does it lead me?

Am I so tired or lonely, so sad or abused, that happiness can upset? That triumph so immensely broad and misunderstood that it burns my core?

Why do I present my soul on my sleeve, when it is so abundantly clear, to myself that it is so easily injured? How can people fail to understand the openness I present, and offer?

Why am I so furious at the world? How does that not protect the fragileness that I otherwise feel? Is the recent bout of surliness designed to hold the world at bay?

I hate that which is forced upon me. But I love the glory these challenges bring me when I vanquish them so seeming apparent ease. Is there a dichotomy here at all?

How can I feel so totally worthless, but know I am useful to so many?

Why do I feel that guilt is my prime motivator? Where did I get this?

I wish I could face the entire world physically, sword in hand, the hard steel and my skill with it my barrier, and protection. The power to defend myself living with the prospect that someone more skilled could end my suffering. a blaze of glory. a steadfast chivalric valour.
How can such a barbaric and unformed concept exist in this enlightened age? I don't war, but I yearn to fight. I dislike confrontation, but live to struggle. I do what I want, but live for others.

Where do others fine the ability to sit and let the world go by? I am no one particular, but I like to make the small interaction I have with people matter. I will advise, manipulate, devise, control, enjoy, and hate. All in the same day.

It drives me crazy. I am oft let empty and drained unable to and unwilling to interact. Withdrawn.

and alway there is a tear in my core. a desire to cry. I feeling that I alone am moved to tears by this or that thing.

I wish a simple cry would fix it, but letting myself go to cry, would feel like an admission of defeat, and in the end I will win.

Strange how this was by no way that which I wished to convey, the breadth and depth of my feelings is here, but none of the sorrow I have felt whilst being with my daughter today. None of the loss I experienced when I watched a war docoo, none of the sad melancholic anguish when a romantic movie finished and the heroes lived happily ever after.

This will be the 3rd time ever that more than 24 hrs has gone by when I haven't been in contact with gf for more than 2hrs. In eight months. God how co-dependant am I?
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